Friday, March 03, 2006

Best Presidential Library Ever! Exclusive Pix!

Even if God forgets to anoint Bush President for Life in 2008 at least one other prophecy is bound to come true; the building of the George W. Bush Best Presidential Library Ever!

Fundraising has already begun with a letter-writing campaign managed by both the IRS and Department of Homeland Security urging private individuals to contribute in a spirit of God-fearing patriotism. Individuals can also expect phone calls and personal visits .

Media personalities are expected to lend their weight to a marketing blitz that will feature glorious retrospectives of Bush’s achievements as well as interviews with and between key players in the administration such as Michelle Malkin, Ann Coulter, Tim Russert, Jeff Gannon, Chris Matthews, Charles Krauthammer, Tony Blankley, Matt Drudge, Michael Savage, Rush Limbaugh, Neil Cavuto, Laura Ingraham, Ted Sampley and many, many, many, many, many, many, many……………………..many, many, many, many more.

Well–heeled potential donors will be wooed with $5,000-per-plate dinners, gift-baskets of Indian casino profits, lifetime subscriptions to the Appropriations Committee and a 1500% refund.

The Board of Directors of the Best Presidential Library Ever Or Else Fund (whose names can’t be revealed for security reasons) estimate that the project will cost between $170,000 and $623 billion, depending on the final design and who's doing the actual counting..

Design concepts have already been received from all over Texas but the committee overseeing the design insists that there a plenty of options left on the table.

"We’re not telling the designer’s what to do or how to think about the project" said one anonymous source who looked incredibly familiar, "we’re open to any suggestions they might have. Of course, we’ll be monitoring things closely and will bring to justice anyone who submits a design that doesn’t conform to our rules, which naturally are a closely-guarded secret".

Whilst the Right Design Approval Committee’s rules may be a secret, this reporter has managed to acquire some recently submitted design proposals along with the Approval Committee’s comments from an insider close to the project (whose family and loved-ones will definitely be in our thoughts and prayers in the coming days).

But enough of that! Let’s see the pix!

Entry #6
Commitee comment:

This is NOT supposed to be about Dick Cheney!
However, keep on file.
Could work for the Vice-President's wing

Entry #17
Commmitee Comment:

Derivative! Looks like a rip-off of the Bagdhad Embassy.

On the other hand if we lost the sandbags, added more spikes and maybe some anti-aircraft missiles on top it could work for the Visitor's Centre. Keep on file.

Entry #43
Commitee comment:

Best entry yet!

Resolutely piercing a decaying world and thrusting up to the heavens I can just imagine the faithful gazing up at this enormous erection, grateful just to touch and stroke its powerful shaft whilst Bush's mighty ball, suspended above their flushed faces hangs tantalizingly in it's greatness.
Plus, that looks like the Death Star, doesn't it?
Star Wars, Reagan, Bush, ultimate planet destroying power! It all fits!
We'll need some lasers though.
Discuss with Rummy.


Thursday, March 02, 2006

Bye, Bye, Miss American Lie....

"…Drove my Chevy to the levee---but no one anticipated the levees would be breached"

"There’s nothing new in these (AP-acquired, government agency teleconferences concerning Katrina) tapes.
" Move along now, nothing to see…" say the White House propagandists.

They are right, actually. There is nothing "new" in these tapes.

There’s nothing new in Bush failing to lead (or even to participate) when faced with a national emergency. There's nothing new about his willful negligence.
There's nothing new about his mendacious "appreciation of folks" who were trying to prevent disaster or those who were victims; nothing new in his lies about what he knew and when he knew it; nothing new in his criminal negligence and depraved disregard for the people he had sworn, under oath, to serve.

What is "new" though, is that the evidence is now plain and it is public.

There is now a public record of what was known and what was possible and what was being said and done.
And then there is the public record of what we were told was known, and told what was said and told what was done.

Where did this evidence come from?

Not from the Republican controlled Houses of Congress who are supposed to represent the people.
Not from the President who is elected to serve the people.
It came from an unknown cadre of career civil servants who can no longer resolve the words of this government with its deeds; who can no longer reconcile the difference between what they know and what the public is told and still maintain their conscience.

Whilst politicians vote themselves raises every year regardless, whilst they serve their own egos and their own interests and sign book deals and go on paid speaking tours, and take vacations and recesses from their "work", the thousands who work at the pleasure of their politically appointed bosses, who investigate the issues and compile the reports that the politicians are supposed to use to fulfill their sworn duty to serve the public have clearly had enough of the lies, the deceit and the threats that have become the "stock in trade" of this venal, corrupt, incompetent, vindictive and criminal administration.

The real public servants, the real patriots are the hardworking "unknowns" of the government that are now rising up and revealing the truth about the "state of the union".
They have finally had enough. And so, I hope, have we.

It Polls for Thee

The steamship NewsMax, thought to be unsinkable, irreparably damaged after striking an icy-cold FACT, begins its tortured journey into the abyss.
Only the most privileged of those "on-board" survived. Over 1400 other souls, most of them in steerage, went down with the ship--ironically in plain sight of the rescue ships, "Reason" and "Logic".

Should U.A.E. Firm Run US Ports?, one of America's leading online news services, is conducting an urgent national online poll.
Days after ABC News asked the question in a representative poll and found that 70% said NO!
NewsMax will provide the results of this poll to major media.
Who have already recieved the ABC News poll that found that 70% said NO!
Additionally, NewsMax's results will be shared with every major radio talk show host in America.
Limbaugh, O'Reilly, Hannity, Medved, Savage etc....
NewsMax reports have been cited by national major media, including Fox News, CNN and MSNBC.
"Cited" aint always a good thing. People get cited for parking tickets and speeding, you know. They are called citations, and they ain't always diplomas or engraved lucite doo-dads honoring a job well done.
Don't miss this opportunity to let your voice be heard! Many media outlets and national leaders are interested in your opinion. (But not the President) Hundreds of media outlets have reported on NewsMax's online polls. (And handfuls of them don't think they are crap!) Your vote does count! (except when it really counts).
NewsMax is conducting one of the first online polls about the U.S. approved deal to allow a U.A.E. firm to operate 6 U.S. ports. (You know, the deal that isn't actually approved yet and that 70% of the public don't want to have approved, and by "one of the first" we mean, like, the twentieth)
We want to know what you really think about this controversy. (Because all the other polls are clearly unscientific and the majority of Republicans who oppose the deal are just confused) Key media sources and others want to know your opinion. (Since when?) Vote today! (And while you are at it, why not vote on who has done more for world peace--Jesus or George Bush?)

Arroz con Buffo

WASHINGTON (AP) – Condoleezza Rice, the nation's top diplomat, is appearing in a three-part TV interview (conducted by NBC’s Washington affiliate) in which she rides a bike, works on her abs, pumps iron and talks about her weight."

What? No footage of her brushing her famous teeth, taking a colonic or enjoying a post-workout shower, slowly massaging foamy cleansing gel all over her lissome body as rivulets of hot steamy water trickle down between her….?

Samantha von Sperling, a New York-based image consultant whose customers include politicians, was skeptical. She admires Rice, but finds this all to be a bit "Oprah-esque."
"It just strikes me as, what's the point?" she said. "Why do I need to see her in Spandex? It has nothing to do with the quality of her mind. And if she were a man, they wouldn't have asked her to do the story."

This from an image-consultant! What is the world coming to? Samantha clearly forgot to check her brain at the door.

Others argued that given the nation's weight problem, some role modeling couldn't hurt.

DAMN STRAIGHT! Look at all the fat chicks featured in movies , on television and in magazines! They aren't regular people! How can anyone possibly relate to them? Condi on the other so real! I mean, look at her hair! It's not just real, its super-real!

It's enormously encouraging to other folks who have very busy lives," said Alicia Moag-Stahlberg, executive director of Action for Healthy Kids, a coalition of more than 40 health and education agencies.

All-righty then! Should Ms. Rice pull a hamstring or something, Alicia Moag-Stahlberg sounds perfectly qualified to fill-in as Secretary of State for a couple of weeks.

The first segment aired Wednesday on Washington's NBC affiliate. Now all the people working on their belt line inside the Beltway can see how the secretary of state does it.

Does what? Pedalling really fast, forwards and backwards. without going anywhere?

So is this uplifting? Unbecoming? Either way, Rice may be playing to a converted audience. Wednesday's segment aired at 5:45 a.m.
At that hour, only the deeply committed are exercising.
At least now, there's something healthy on TV to watch.

Yup, there’s nothing healthier than watching a supple, sweaty, light skinned Nubian Secretary of State exercise on TV, so you don’t have to. It’s a vital part of her job.

(You know, if Elizabeth Vargas had written this piece instead of some anonymous AP reporter, we all would have been spared the vicious and uncalled-for comments of the treasonous east-coast elitist Samantha Von Sperling).

Greasy Polls Make My Brain Hurt!

After 5 years of intense debate the Gumby Institute (a non-influential all "tank" and no "think" organization) representing around 12 million Americans, in the process of almost forming an opinion.

Why pay for a bacon cheeseburger with large fries and then only suck the ketchup out of the little packet?

That’s what ABC News did in reporting on their latest poll; they ignored the meat and completely missed the errant fingernails and rat feces that make for a truly interesting dining experience.

Well I decided to chew on the whole thing, and here are some of the odd items that got stuck in my teeth.

Whilst Bush’s overall job approval rating is 34%, check out these tidbits:

Iraq: 30%
Economy: 32 %
Energy: 27 %

The Iraq "situation" is wholly owned by Bush (though he still can’t find the receipt), as is the economy (tax cuts, pork, borrowing for Iraq, unemployment, increased health costs, increased poverty etc.) and he has at least "voting shares" in the energy business (Iraq drove up oil prices, no actual incentives to improve efficiencies in production or use).

The poll respondents make very clear that the two most important problems facing the country (by huge margins) are first, the War in Iraq and second, the economy/jobs. Taking those two that would put Bush at 31%!

Energy (or as it’s stated in the raw data the "Gas/heating oil crisis") ranks 9th out of 16 categories (and so needs some kind of weighting I’m not qualified to provide) but as the pollsters put this little list together then Bush's approval rating average comes to 29%!

The pollsters summarized respondent’s views of the national economy thus:

Good: 50%
Bad: 48%

But looking at the raw data 45% rate it as "fairly good" and 33% as "fairly bad".
Bush has insisted that the economy is strong and getting stronger.
"Strong" is the term the pollsters should have used.

The pollsters, having parsed the issue in their questioing. then just lumped the data together failing to note that the extremes of "very good" and "very bad" reulted in three times as many people responding "very bad" than "very good."

Anyhoo, let’s get to the really chewy bits, the mystery meat:

Q.15: "Is your opinion of Bush favorable, not favorable, undecided or haven’t you heard enough about Bush to have an opinion?"
Ans: 14 % undecided and 3% haven’t heard enough!

Q.75: "Do you think Saddam Hussein was personally involved in the September 11th attacks?"
Ans: 29% say Yes, 14% don’t know!

Oh yes, and a hardcore average 8% of all respondents (statistically representing something like 12 million voters) don’t know nothin’ ‘bout nothin’ or had no opinion. I guess the pollsters just didn’t ask them anything relevant, like "do you want fries with that?"

The answer of course is "My brain hurts!".

(okay, I admit I've horribly mixed my analogies/metaphors here, but it's not like I get paid to do this, you know?)

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Captain Future

I was going to work on this a little bit more, but as usual the antics of the Bush Administration added layers of absurdity that I couldn't completely address in just one image.

So dear readers it's up to you to determine whether the vampire bat represents the Constitution, the Republican rebellion, terrorists etc.

It's also your choice as to whether the vacuum-cleaner powered chair Bush seems to be controlling represents alternative energy sources, the Supreme Court, or a thermos of Jack Daniels essential to hunting trips.

One thing I do know: whatever the hell is going on, it's just plain wrong---like this illustration. So in a way it all makes sense; to someone, somewhere, somehow.

The good news for Bush, according to CBS News’s latest poll is that Bush ("the fun, cute one") has almost double the approval rating of Cheney ("the grumpy, scary one") so I guess Bush may have dodged a bullet there (ahem).

But in the hunt for popular approval it seems he’s still being peppered by birdshot from several directions, and most of the shooters seem to be more sober than usual.

As of now, Bush’s Overall Job Approval Rating is still an impressive 34%.

As the self proclaimed "master of low expectations", he’s doing a "heck of a job."

And speaking of a heck of a job, let’s not forget CBS itself who decided not to highlight in their reporting some other salient results of the full survey, such as:

43% approve of his handling of the "War On Terror"
say things are going badly in Iraq
say Iraq isn’t worth the cost
53% say removing Hussein wasn’t worth it
say it wasn’t "the right thing to do"

But wait, there’s more!

70% disapprove of the Dubai Ports deal!

But let’s not mention that, shall we? Why shoot a guy in the face when he’s down? Presidentin’ is "hard work" after all.

Of course none of this matters to Bush anyway because today’s news is already yesterday’s news, and he’s moving on.

For Bush the present is already the past, the "now" is "then" and when history is written we’ll all be dead.
Polls don’t matter; what matters is the future and to see it you have to squint real hard, just like he does.
He’s Captain Future, Man of Tommorooooowwwwww!

Monday, February 27, 2006


Obliged to counter public criticism of its Dubai Ports International deal, the White House was denied the use of their most trusted attack of "partisan politics!" due to the number of Republicans leading the complaints.
Nor could the Administration claim its critics were selling out on national security, as that was the crux of the objections.
What then could the propagandists come up with to attack their attackers?

All was revealed when on every single Sunday political show the question was posed that the criticisms of the port deal were based solely on "hysteria" and "bigotry".

Since September 11th the Bush cabal has counted on hysteria with dark claims of potential nuclear and biological attacks, releasing "terror alerts" timed to Bush’s dipping poll numbers and painting those who questioned policies and practices as unpatriotic, whilst Bush’s boosters in the media have never hesitated to label all Arabs "sand-monkeys", "ragheads", "Islamo-fascists" and dissident liberals as cowards and traitorsfacts that not one of the Sunday talking heads cared to note.

Having traded exclusively on fear, xenophobia and bigotry to maintain and promote their power and policies, the White House is now being hoisted by its own petard.

The hypocrisy of their argument is so transparent it would appear to be a poor political maneuver; but as long the op-eds and talking heads ignore the irony and hypocrisy the White House argument still works in their favor.

The Administration’s public defense of the arrangement obscures the larger issue that the DBI deal is symbolic of the White House’s modus operandi; ignore the public interest and exploit national assets and government resources to make private deals that benefit only the well-connected few.