Sunday, November 20, 2005

America's Giant Balls: A Larger View.

(An Examination of Ownership, Handling, Size, Use and Importance of Physical and Metaphorical Balls in 21st Century Washington D.C by Professor Splink, Dean of Spherical Studies, Hopped-Johnkins University). Published by Universally Pressed; contains over 100 color photographs of physical balls, 22 examples of metaphorical balls (Scott McLellan, Dick Cheney, Rick Santorum, Paul Inhofe etc.) as well as a handy illustrated "How To…" pullout guide. $49.95

Not only is the Bush administration juggling more balls than any in history, its balls are much, much bigger. So big in fact that they are literally in your face, every single day.
Now, just because you own enormous balls and are used to playing with them it doesn’t necessarily follow that you know how to handle them skillfully. Indeed to have your balls properly handled it’s best to find a professional to give you a hand.
Anyway, it is a simple fact that when it comes to juggling your balls, the smaller they are the less likely it is that you will drop one.
Lately this administration has discovered that simple and often painful truth; to their recent dismay they’ve begun to drop some of their enormous balls.

Every flim-flam artist, clown and illusionist knows that to continue to mystify the audience and maintain the illusion it is essential to be well versed in the art of redirection. As soon as the artiste is aware that he is dropping a ball he immediately draws the audiences attention to some other balls. With the audience distracted the illusionist can grab his ball and then either juggle it again or put it in his pocket for future handling. At least that’s the theory.
Unfortunately when juggling or handling really enormous balls the redirection trick requires even bigger balls, bigger than any one man (or woman---don’t want to be sexist here) can handle.
If the group needed to properly handle the even bigger balls is not utterly disciplined the balls will also be undisciplined and before you (or you---don’t want to be sexist here) know it the illusion will be shattered and there will be enormous balls in plain sight all over the place.
Clearly the handling and prominent display of really, really big balls is essential to the performance but is also inherently risky. When these big balls are mishandled the required redirection of the audience to maintain the performance may be better accomplished by the use of "virtual" balls or more properly "metaphorical/theoretical" balls rather than just bigger physical balls.
Metaphorical/theoretical balls have the advantage of being infinitely adjustable in size to suit almost any situation. Though more convenient to handle than huge physical balls, metaphorical/theoretical balls are inherently unstable. Metaphorical/theoretical balls injudiciously exposed to the audience can in fact rebound and slap the performer in the face, sometimes repeatedly.
They key to using the handy but sensitive metaphorical/theoretical balls lies in understanding the audience; in particular knowing whether the audience possess any balls of its own or whether it can distinguish between different types of balls. Most performers, their managers and agents agree that for insurance reasons and to comply with certain national security regulations it is best that audiences check their balls at the door 2 HOURS before the performance-NO EXCEPTIONS!
Once the audience has been shorn of its own balls the enormous size of the performer/illusionists balls will be that much more impressive and they will accept those balls as a standard. Herein lies the performer’s dilemma; to maintain the audiences interest and secure their applause the performer/illusionist must logically present bigger and bigger balls until the show reaches it’s climax. The most adroit performer will thus expose to his audience bigger and bigger physical balls and then (usually by instinctively gauging the audiences gasps at the size of his balls) cleverly switch to the metaphorical/theoretical balls.
The audience, having followed the performer’s balls all along and having no balls of their own will probably never notice the switch. But to determine the true success of the performance and the illusion an exit poll of the audience is recommended.
Just as the performer/illusionist controls his own act, he should also control his audience’s response; therefore the exit poll questions should also be controlled and, just like the balls, carefully handled.
The audience reaction exit poll questions should follow this type of format:
"Have you ever seen such enormous balls?
"If you had any balls, would you like them to be just like the ones you just witnessed?
"Do you think you could handle as many enormous balls as the performer did?"
For the younger crowd one might pose the question:
‘Would you describe the performer’s balls as being ‘in your face’?"
If we are to draw any lessons from Intelligent Design, one of the most significant is that the Lord gave some people more balls and bigger balls than others.
It took lot of balls (or perhaps two really ginormous ones) to create the biggest ball in the world (our planet Earth) in just seven days (okay, it was six days--but you are missing the big picture).
So it only makes sense for the man with the biggest balls on the planet to want to personally handle the biggest ball on the planet---that of course would be the planet itself. And if so-called ‘science" has taught us anything (which I doubt) it is that really big balls are naturally attractive. So it only makes sense that God’s chosen representative on Earth has ball’s almost as big as God’s and like God he intends to use them and to share his gigantic heaven-blessed balls with the rest of the world.
And if that’s not enough to convince you, consider this; what are the three most popular sports in the US? FootBALL, BasketBALL and BaseBALL! Am I right? Of course I am! Wake up my friends, gird your loins, grasp your fellow man "under the thigh" and shout it out, loud and proud…"America has the biggest, the best and the most balls in the world and the rest of you can’t touch ‘em!. (unless you really want to of course….no go ahead, go on, touch them… careful now…..yeah that’s it… just like that… )
About the author: Professor Splink first became interested in balls at his bar-mitzvah. He personally owns two of slightly different sizes. He had them encased in lucite and likes to stare at them occasionally. He is not now, nor has ever been, married.