Saturday, February 18, 2006

The Art of Writing: Who’s your Dada?

Writing is an art, and of the many "schools" I think my writing could be described as "primitive" (a term used by desperate art dealers and critics to jusify the efforts of grown-ups who still paint like children).

The work of 'writer-artists' such as reporters should fall under the category of "realists" though "impressionist" seems to be closer to the mark these days.

The writings of professional pundits however seems to have developed an entirely new category; the "modern- impressionist-primitive-surrealist" school.
It combines the vapidity of modernism, the myopia of impressionism, the immaturity of the primitive, and the psychotic imagery of surrealism.

I’m sure you are asking yourself, "how can I get my hands on the works of a modern-impressionist-primitive-surrealist to add to my collection, impress my friends and mystify my enemies"?

Well, you won’t find any examples in the $59 Famous Artists Sale this weekend only at the Holiday Inn, exit 23 off the New Jersey Turnpike; BUT you can find what you seek by simply going to the Internets (available on the World Wide Web!)

And how will you know that you are looking at a genuine modern-impressionist-primitive-surrealist piece of work?

Well, if it looks like shit thrown at a wall with a shiny frame around it, it’s genuine!

Of course some of these artists are already well known and command higher prices and each has a distinctive style—Malkin’s works speaks of self-loathing, O’Reilly projects bluster, Coulter always paints with a broad aggressive brush whilst Podhoretz works from the gut, but serious collectors should pay close attention to up-and-comer Neil Cavuto whose latest work (in his so-far underrated "Common Sense" series) lights up the scene like a burning brown paper bag left anonymously on the front porch!

Get a load of "Neil Cavuto’s Common Sense":

"I don't know if you've noticed, but energy prices have been coming down — actually, way down.
Oil, 70 bucks a barrel a couple of months ago, is well under 60 bucks today and likely going lower — mainly because temperatures have been going higher and there's less need for the stuff.
So that's bad news for the folks who churn out the stuff, like oil companies.
They were price gougers yesterday, afterthoughts today.
They made tons of money yesterday, not nearly as much today.
So I'm thinking to myself, what if this continues? What if oil drops like a stone and the oil companies start losing money?
What if it's another early '80s thing and they start shutting down operations and laying off people?
Will anyone notice? Will anyone care?
I suppose not, because oil companies potentially getting gouged is never a story. Us getting gouged — now that's a story!
It is easy to make the oil companies villains, when they're making dough. It hardly seems to rate when they are not.
The oil companies need no lobby. Sometimes I just wonder if they need something else: a fair shake.

A piece of work such as this could keep a scholar occupied for years trying to explain its inspiration and its meaning!

But for the average collector it can be easily downloaded and proudly displayed for all to see.
And just imagine, when your friends come over to your trailer for a soiree featuring Hamburger-Helper S’Mores and Wild Rose and ask, "what’s this piece of shit on your wall?", you can confidently reply with a nonchalant air; ."oh, that?’s just a Cavuto."

Monday, February 13, 2006

Cheney: I Have Al-Quailda In My Sights

I'll apologize in advance for's a rush job but Cheney shooting a man instead of a small defenceless bird ( and blaming it on his victim) offers so many options...this was the best I could come up with at short notice. It is a rich vein and I'm just scratching the surface.

It’s no surprise that the liberal media is using this weekend’s non-news that hunting partner Harry Whittington irresponsibly interjected his face between VP Dick Cheney’s gun and his prey to promote their gay agenda that illegal wiretaps are somehow illegal.

No doubt these so called "journalists" will suddenly change their tune when Dick Cheney single-handedly brings down an Al-Qaida hijacked airliner with his trusty 12-Gauge, probably right around the November mid term elections.

It’s time these defeatist feminazi frenchified flip-floppers learned a thing or two about what it takes to lead and protect this country.

For a start Quail are just like terrorists; they don’t play by the rules. They sneak about and then suddenly attack without warning. They can’t be negotiated with. The only way to defeat them is to surround them and then apply massive firepower from all directions.

Fig 1. Alert Republican citizen soldiers in the act of thwarting a Quail attack.
The operation was a success, as were the subsequent operations to remove buckshot from their faces.

To avoid friendly-fire incidents Quail hunters take great pains to not dress like terrorists or like Quail, hence the bright orange vests and the hats. However intelligence from coalition partners indicate that Quail are actively trying to acquire orange vests and hats and are working on developing their own gun.

Fig 2. If the defeated Quail in the foreground had acquired orange vests and hunting hats, would you have been able to tell the difference? Cheney was probably envisioning just such a scenario when he shot Harry Whittington in the face---Cheney couldn't take the chance that what looked like a 6 foot tall Texan lawyer wasn't in fact a sleeper Quail terrorist.
See, Cheney thinks about about these things so that we don't have to!

Nonetheless Dick Cheney has personally killed or captured at least 70% of Quail leadership and our brave troops are continuing to take the fight to the enemy.

Fig 3. US Marines flushing out a dangerous high-ranking Quail leader in Fallujah, Iraq. The Dragonfire missile pack carried by the marine second from left is indicative of how serious and dangerous Quail hunting can be...these brave men are taking no chances in ensuring the success of their mission.

And in the end we will prevail.

Fig 4. High ranking Quail ,believed to be #3 in the organization, served up in own blood with a sprig of rosemary.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Loony Toons Explained

Because Mohammed has been graphically represented and lampooned in a series of cartoons published by the Danish newspaper Jyllands-Posten, Muslims across the world have staged dozens of protests---some peaceful and some destructive—demanding some kind of satisfaction for what they see as disrespectful and downright slanderous commentaries on their faith.

The Western media has attempted to explain what’s going on by latching on to four themes:

It’s about freedom of expression
It’s about journalistic responsibility
It’s about cultural sensitivity
Muslim’s are a prickly bunch .

Cue crusty old Robert McGlaughlin: "WRONG!"

What it is actually about is STUPIDITY and POLITICS! (isn’t everything these days?)

The "issue" arose after Danish writer Kare Bluitgen complained he was unable to find an illustrator for his children's book about the Prophet because he said no one dared break an Islamic tenet banning the portrayal of his image.

Kare Bluitgen is an idiot.

Jyllands-Posten asked cartoonists to "draw the Prophet as they saw him", as an assertion of free speech and to reject pressure by Muslims groups to respect their sensitivities" (Read more of this well detailed BBC report

Jyllands-Posten's editors aren't very bright either.

Here’s some telling information about the naievety of the Danish author and the Danish press, from an interview with Danish TV2’s Allan Silberbrandt on Hardball. (No kudos to Timmeh! ; he still demostrates his own special brand of asshole-ocity in the rest of the interview).

SILBERBRANDT: Well, it came about because a publishing house wanted to publish a book for children about Islam. It turned out that they could get nobody to do a drawing of the Prophet Mohammed.
MATTHEWS: Because that‘s considered blasphemous, right?
SILBERBRANDT: Yes. And then in Denmark they said well that can‘t be. Why shouldn‘t we be able to publish a drawing of Mohammed. You have to understand that Danes are not a very religious people and maybe that‘s part of the problem. So they said that‘s OK too, let‘s see if anybody dares, and they did.

That some Muslims would find mere depictions of Mohammed objectionable should have been clear from the outset (despite the benign context for which they were commissioned). The fact that one depiction morphed Mohammed with a bomb was absolutely guaranteed to cause outrage (what the hell, they could have also pictured him naked and eating a ham sandwich).

So that’s the STUPIDTY part, what about the POLITICS?

For a long-winded insight into the real political underpinnings of this turn of events the Daily Kos offers up some context and details (scroll to the second half of the article).

But the real kicker comes from Egyptian e-blogger Sandmonkey who gets to the point much more succinctly than Kos and with a good deal of "authoriteh!". offering some very telling scans of an Egyptian newspaper that also published the cartoons as a straightforward news story back in October 2005 (no calls for boycotting Egypt or the resignation /dismemberment of Al Faqr's editors thus far).

Approximately 180,000 Muslims live in Denmark. When the cartoons were first published Muslim elders and notables expressed their displeasure and concerns and Jyllands-Posten responded with an explanation of the intent behind the publication of the cartoons and apologies for any percieved offense. The Danish muslim communtiy accepted the explanation and the apology and did not go ape-shit in any way.

In summary this whole furore is a politically motivated, manufactured distraction from the fact that the Saudis have once again criminally mismanaged the Hajj---just like Bush distracting the US public from the fact that his criminal mismanagement facilitated 9-11 and continues to endanger US citizens and sew the seeds of further acts of violence and destruction around the world.

Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt, it’s an essential act of demagoguery. But a just a Danish ( and quite delicious).

Fun facts about Denmark.

Denmark continually kicked the asses of the Anglo Saxons over several centuries but were smart enough to integrate rather than completely occupy the British Isles. The Danes were superb sailors and boat builders. They set foot on the US continent centuries before Columbus stumbled across a nearby island that he thought was India. Danes also traded in the Mediterranean with Arabs and Romans.

Danes are incredibly tolerant of other peoples and cultures--except for the Swedes. You'll have to ask them--apparently they have good reason. All Danes eat dinner at 6.30 pm sharp, no exceptions. It's the law.

Denmark is a socialist country with a constitutional monarchy which makes no sense whatsoever except to the Danes. and they defend both institutions vigorously.

"Millionaire" is a foreign concept in Denmark. But when Danes retire they all have a comfortable place to live and complete health benefits courtesy of their taxes .Grannies aren't forced to buy cat food to live on---but they do like their fish.

On the whole Danes are freakishly reasonable and thus an embarrassment to almost every other nation in the world. Thank goodness there are only 5 million of them!