Hello, America? This is George W Bush.
Would you be interested in supporting a strategy for winning the War in Iraq? I'm not asking you to donate your first-born or your financial future--I have those already-- all I'm asking is for you to pledge your few remaining brain cells to believing in me and my strategy! I'd really appreciate your support!
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George Bush will begin a series of speeches next week explaining to the American public the Administration’s strategy for winning the war in Iraq.
Apparently the White House is counting on the previously demonstrated dimwittery of the American public to somehow boost support for Bush and the Republicans in light of the latest damning polls that the President regularly insists are the products of special-interest focus groups.
If I remember correctly the original strategy for winning the war in Iraq was to cruise to Baghdad in some pimped-out wheels, hook-up the "bra’s" with some sweet deals on the down-low and then alternately chill, par-tay and rake in some righteous bread.
When that didn’t work the strategy became popping caps in the local buzz-kills or just fuckin’ wit’ em, old-school an' fraternity-style!
When that strategy delivered results that "no-one could have predicted", the "situation on the ground" demanded a new strategy--the National Strategy for Victory in Iraq published and speechified in November 2005 which explained how well the previous strategies had worked out and how together they would work even better by being written-down retroactively.
However, that was then and this is now.
As General Pace said just the other day things in Iraq are "going pretty well" (at least as well as Carrie’s prom) and he should know because he’s a fucking General, goddammit! BUT on the other hand Pace's boss Donald Rumsfeld said that he military's information offices, operating mostly eight hours a day, five or six days a week weren't keeping up with the terrorists who get their messages out to the media 24 hours a day, seven days a week, resulting in a "dangerous deficiency" for the US.
So with more dead Iraqis and terrorists than dead Americans, but with harder-working live Iraqi terrorist bloggers journalists and pundits than live American bloggers, journalists and pundits the White House is responding with with a new strategy.
And what is this new strategy? Just like the President, it’s very simple:
The strategy is to explain that there IS A STRATEGY, which is of course to explain that there is a strategy, which is the strategy!. And the strategy is to win! Got that? Good! Now back to the polls and give the the right answers this time! If you don't, we'll lose this war and it will be all your fault!
And don't think you''l be able to come crying back to me when some freedom-hating islamiac flies a nuclear bomb into your trailer-home and then stands by whilst liberals force your daughter to have an abortion and bans Christmas! You've been warned!