Friday, January 12, 2007

New Way Forward! Now with more ZAZ!

So George Bush stayed up past his bed-time to tell us all how re-invading Iraq will protect America even more from pissed-off Arabs.

Why, you may ask, do we need a new strategy? After all, since we invaded no Iraqi terrorists have flown airplanes into our buildings! Doesn’t that fact prove the President’s pre-election statement that we were winning in Iraq?
Of course it does; or rather it did.

But the President also said that part of his winning strategy was to listen to his generals and adapt to the situation on the ground, and the situation has changed!
Just as the President and Vice President warned us all, if the Democrats gained the House in November it would embolden the terrorists.
Sure enough as soon as the elections were over and the Democrats won, America lost. The generals began to speak out about increased violence and Negroponte stated explicitly before Congress that the US was no longer winning in Iraq.

Could this have been coincidence? Of course not—George Bush had exactly predicted it! So when the Democrats started to call for a withdrawal of troops, our President had to come up with a new plan for not just victory, but more victory!

A new plan for victory would have to be in diametric (that means opposite) opposition (that means opposite as well-- so really it’s double-opposite which doesn’t mean the opposite of opposite which would mean….well…double-opposite means more opposite, okay?) to anything the Democrats were proposing.
So as the Democrats were calling for un-winning the war by un-invading Iraq it’s obvious to even the most colossally stupid idiot in the world that to defeat the Democrats and their terrorist supporters George Bush would have to re-invade Iraq—and that’s what he’s decided to do.

But, you ask, how is re-invading Iraq really any different from the original invasion except that we’ll be doing it with even less troops?

Well to take a cue from Karl Rove’s famous marketing analogy that “you don’t introduce new products in August” you also don’t advertise to the consumer all the benefits of your product all at once.
Either the product is ‘New and Improved!’ or “Now with power of Formula X that kills 99% of all suspected terrorists!” or “10% MORE!”

In this case “New and Improved Victory” has “10% LESS!” and then you wait until sales start dropping before announcing “Now with power of Formula-X that kills 99% of all suspected terrorists!”
And if that doesn’t keep your sales going, you can always repackage the old product with a new name, like perhaps ‘Iran-B-Gone!’ It Smells like Victory but with Twice the Killing Power!

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Mad King George

(Note: For the past month I totally forgot how to log in post-beta which also buggered up my attempts to comment at other's blogs. All fixed now).

If George Bush insists on increasing troop levels in Iraq by 20,000-30,000 when the Army is telling him they only have 9,000 available and when the Joint Chiefs, the Congress, the American public, the Iraqi public and the US troops themselves all object (for very good reasons) I think we can safely conclude that our President is certifiably insane, that he is a danger to everyone and is unfit for office.