Sunday, December 04, 2005

The Iraqi Free Press (a $100 million value!)

Rumsfeld Praises Role of Free Press in U.S., Iraq, Afghanistan (23/04/2004)
"Washington -- Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld says the emergence of a free press in Iraq and Afghanistan is an important current event in both countries but one that is under-reported by the media."

Military Admits Planting News in Iraq (New York Times/Eric Schmitt 12/03/05)

From The Baghdad Bugle ( "All the news that fits" )
A Special Investigative Op-Ed by Daoud Rumsfaud.

As-salamu aleikum and al-hamdu lillah as we 100 per cent genuine Iraqis like to say.
And as I like to say; Is Allah great? You bet! Is Allah doing a terrific job? Absolutely!

But enough of my unimpeachable camel-jockey credentials. There has been a disturbing trend lately of only bad news coming out of our great sovereign colony of Iraq (may its oil supplies last for a hundred years!).

Saah? (Is this really true?) Indeed my friends it is true, yet such things that are said are clearly false! These lies are spread by snakes and dung beetles unfit to drink my camel’s pizzle! Who you ask is behind these lies and rumours?

Is it the Jews? Yistuwi (it could be), who knows?

Is it the liberal lefty, godless communist democrats who want nothing more than to steal our oil and build permanent theater workshops and giant tofu-outlets on our blessed land? Absolutely!

My friends, heed not these illegitimate sons of mosquito poop who would as soon sleep with a camel as steal it, or trade their donkey for an elephant and then complain about the bargain!

Ubashshirak (I have good news for you), al-kheir fi batin ash-sharr (good is in the belly of evil). Just consider these "known knowns" ( i.e. facts)

The number of our brothers and sisters who WEREN’T blown up, shot or kidnapped in the last few weeks (may god keep them safe) are numbered even as the stars in the sky.
By Allah’s will, pre-owned cars and car parts can be found on almost every street corner.
Schools and hospitals have been rebuilt, some of them every other week.
Public demand for medical care has shown rapid growth with no end in sight (here’s a hot stock tip; Al Faid Prosthetic Limbs LLC) .
Iranian, Syrian and Saudi tourists are crossing our borders in record numbers.
The electric companies now provide every Iraqi at least 110volts, just like in the US!
Iraqis have embraced the new legal system so wholeheartedly prosecutions have increased 125% in just the last year! If that isn't progress i don't know what is!
Iraqi industry produces almost no "greenhouse gases"—so who needs a "Kyoto treaty?" Take that, Tojo!
Oil production is back to pre-war UN sanction levels of 2 million barrels a day--to the extreme happiness of the guys who make those barrels .
The interim government now enjoys the same level of respect from the Iraqi public as the US government does from it’s own people. Truly freedom and democracy are on the march!

And of course Iraqis now finally have a well-financed press.

So remember my friends not only is Allah great, but so is Iraq! So don’t let the crazed followers of that Hollywood Babylon whore Barbra Streisand (who is Jewish, you know) tell you any different.

Allan Akbar!—I mean, Allah Akbar!

Disclosure: Allan Akbar contributed to this article and is not in any way willingly associated with the DoD, the Pentagon, the Office of Strategic Information or the Alberto Gonzalez Academy for Recalcitrant Ragheads. Daoud Rumsfaud has appeared in hundreds of Al Jazeera news reports and is the author of "Rumsfaud’s Rules"—a guide for minions).