Wednesday, March 29, 2006

You Don't Know Jack!

Anyone who thinks they know Jack Abramoff (and everyone who is now pretending they don’t know him) better think again!

The man is a fucking saint, I tell ya!

Don’t believe me? !!!!

Just take a butcher’s at some of these testimonials sent to the judge who is poised to sentence “Casino Jack” today in Florida.

National Hockey League referee David Jackson stated "Jack is a good person, who in his quest to be successful lost sight of the rules."

Apparently Abramoff once took 14 kids to Jackson’s dressing room before a game and welcomed kids into the skybox to help teach them sportsmanship.

Who knows more about rules and sportsmanship than a hockey referee and hockey players?

And speaking of sports, Abramoff’s racquetball partner describes Jack as “someone who always acts honorably, and will call himself on infractions."

Yup, it’s a tragedy how rules, sportsmanship and honor, not to mention infractions, never made it past the locker rooms of exclusive sports enclaves—but that’s Saint Jack for you, never thinking of his own actions, only the actions of others.

Abramoff also has friends on Capitol Hill springing to his defense.
Well; one friend anyway.
Sort of:

"Over many years, I've known a far different Jack than the profit-seeking megalomaniac portrayed in the press," wrote California Republican Dana Rohrabacher. "Jack was a selfless patriot for most of the time I knew him."

But if none of these heartwarming affidavits convince you that Abramoff actually deserves our sympathy, not to mention a Nobel prize and a sainthood consider Dr. Gene Colice’s heartwarming anecdote of the time Abramoff spent his valuable time ($300 per hour—not including the 50% ‘finder’s fees’ he was entitled to) to "find a lost hamster on a Friday night."

(John Kerry you’ll remember actually resuscitated a hamster but a) it was his daughter’s and b) it wasn’t on a Friday night).

But don’t listen to me; get the real scoop from the AP/Yahoo news item here or the AP/NewsMax report (which appears now to have been scrubbed—I have their original text from earlier today only in a cut/pasted Word doc)—both are much funnier “in the raw” than my pathetic post.
Given AP’s recent confusion over attribution and in light of the WaPo Domenech debacle the AP might want to consider the issues of “fair use”, plagiarism and the blogosphere—not to mention their own standards of reporting.

Update: Jack just got six years instead of 7+, so 'lesson learned', people!
One hamster = one less year in jail!

Invest in hamsters before George Bush scoops the market!

Monday, March 27, 2006

No More Mister Nice-God!

Back in the good old days when God thought people weren’t paying attention he’d whip ‘em back into shape with a good old-fashioned smiting, a plague, a wandering in the desert or making 90-year-old women pregnant. Now that’s the way to get a message out!

But if recent events are anything to go by, the strategy no longer works.
Despite Pat Robertson’s astute observation that the destruction of 9-11 was due to God’s anger with liberals and fags, the majority seemed to think it had something to do with Arab terrorists and Iraq.
When God visited Hurricane Katrina upon the Gulf Coast to punish those who defied him by eating crawfish and playing jazz (NOT a joyful sound unto the Lord by a long shot) the lesson learned was not that God was in charge but that one Michael Brown was.

Now it looks like God is going to be kickin’ it, old school! Having jump-started a global conflict, he’s now dialing up the holy thermostat AND turning on the flood taps to boot. Looks like it’s going to be a 24/7 wrath-athon.

But what about the faithful, you ask? Well being faithful they’re all looking forward to the End Times. And whilst they are waiting they get to stare at a
miraculous stain on the I-74 bridge support in Moline, Illinois. As one observer said “Too many things are happening in the world and people are losing their faith and that’s why she’s appearing [The Virgin Mary], she wants people to get their faith back.”

So, if YOU want to be saved from hell on earth just find yourself a stain, stare at it and after a while you won’t notice a thing.