Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Substitute For Another Guy

Scott McLellan at a 2006 press conference indicating the direction of Bush's latest approval ratings.
Note the placard behind his head that reads "whitewashing".

Once Scott McLellan actually leaves the press-gaggle podium for good, he will leave behind an empty, cavernous void; a space where for the past 2 years and 9 months there has always been (excuse me--getting a little choked-up here), Scott.

Of course, he was an empty cavernous void when he took the job in the first place.

But how shall we remember him?
Will it be for the tightness of his shirt-collar that made his pudgy head look like it was constantly on the verge of exploding?
Will it be for the robotic monotony of invented facts and talking points? Or that when challenged one could actually hear the cogs in his head protesting as he tried to move from “drive” through “neutral” to “park” via an improbable “sideways” gear?

For myself I think I’ll remember him most for his pioneering work in communications, wherein he steadfastly refused to actually answer questions and challenged the conventions of logic and history and what it is that constitutes a “discussion”.

Perhaps nothing sums up Scott McLellan as well as how he responded to questions of his own departure.

After he had made the formal announcement on April the 19th he was asked when he’d made the decision to resign. Scott said it was on the 14th. And when had he informed Bush?
In the morning of the 17th.

And yet in the afternoon of the 17th when asked “Do you plan to stay on?”, with his resignation already settled and a matter of fact, Scott replied: “Look, I never speculate about personnel matters”.


The Press Secretary isn't supposed to overshadow the President himself, so a lack of personality is an important qualification for the job. But McLellan lacks so much more...he has no spine, no thoughts, no charm, no wit, no....well you name it and he doesn't have it.

McLellan was simply too good at channelling Bush's psychoses, lies, illogic and stupidity, and so his competence of course eventually did him in.

What might the future hold for the man who substituted for a substitute president? He might still be able to 'serve the public'--perhaps by being cemented into part of a New Orleans levee wall?

Of course a book deal with Regnery is possible; what might it be called?
My Stuffed Pet Goat?
Another Million Little Pieces?
I Think We've Discussed That Already?

McLellan has only offered one clue to his immediate future--he's thinking of helping his mommy's political campaign (which is how he got started in the first place). Of course the fact that mommy doesn't want his help because even she is pissed-off with Bush is neither here nor there.

Poor little Scott, I'm afraid, was, is and will remain the ultimate substitute for another guy. And there will never be a substitute for Scott.


Carl said...

Possible alternate titles for Scott's book:

- A Thousand Points of Crap

- Stilettoes And Heels: How I Helped The President's Agenda In The Right Wing Press

- I Was NOT Jeff Gannon's Bitch!

- (*Insert Long Wordy Title Where If you Scratch Out The Conflicting Words, You're Left With "The"*)

- I Did It, You Can Too! The 30 Month Bullshit Diet

5th Estate said...

LOL! 3 and 4 are my faves!

5th Estate said...

Of course it is a bit of cheat to comment on my own blog rather than respond to other comments, but with that disclosed...

It just burns me that Scott McLellan ever got a job, let alone one that is funded by taxpayers. He's not criminal, like Bush et al. who have real power and influence. Scott was and is really fucking useless, as a human being. All the evidence thus far suggests he's completely vacant by any and every standard or measure. It has nothing to do with his being Bush's spokesman. I find him so pathetic even making fun of him is unsatisfying, and the position he was promoted to simply magnifies that.
I've got my own faults and demons and I'm far from being an examplar of intellect, humanity and many other qualities that generally define a person as being admirable or acceptable to others. But whilst I may waste the space I take up, I don't take up much space to begin with. As Press Secretary for the President of The United States McLellan took up a significant amount of space, and all of it was wasted.

Lord Omar said...

How about:

Gas and Bloating on a Zantac Planet
The Legend of Creepy Wallow
or maybe
Mock Hack Down

Lord Omar said...

..adding you to my blogroll ( it's exclusive because I'm so lazy and it's no honor, believe me).

Nonetheless, I am still honoured and shall return the favour..

5th Estate said...

Mindlessly infuenced by Carl and Omar....how about:

Catcher in The Lie

Nonsense and Nonsensibility

Scotty McLellan and The Prisoner of Pennyslvania Avenue (okay, that sucks)

not_over_it said...

Mopey Dick

He could also start his own gameshow. He could call it No Truth and No Consequences.

5th Estate said...

LOL, Not-over-it!
Man, the competition here is fierce! It's tougher than America's Top Model!

not_over_it said...

He could write a cookbook called "Trust Me, You Want to Swallow This"

I'm sure there'd be a recipe for stuffed sausage in there somewhere.

Don't encourage me... ;-)

Fantod said...

Sputtering Heights

Uselesses (pronounced yoos-LESS-eez)

Wholly Babble

A Million Little Pizzas

Attack of the Killer Tomatoheads

...oh wait, that was a movie...

KEvron said...

well, death of a salesman's been taken....


KEvron said...

to shill a chickenhawk?


Carl said...

American Idle

not_over_it said...

Playing Dumb for Dummies

not_over_it said...

This just in from a certain ex VP candidate...

A Tale Of Two Americas

5th Estate said...

how about ...

"Five Minute Abs"

"The King And I"

"Everything I Really Need To Know I Read From The Back Of a Corn-Flakes Packet"

KEvron said...

some groaners:

the silence of the wolves
the wizard of arse
a day no pigs would lie


5th Estate said...

kevronius... I really like the Wizard of Arse...

I still don't "get" your blog--clicking on the "..agree with me" did nothing.

But I finally added you to my blog-roll out of guilt and 'cos you are funny.

KEvron said...

"clicking on the "..agree with me" did nothing."

that's odd. should open the haloscan comments window. maybe it's your browser.


not_over_it said...

I was on my Dad's 'puter earlier and it wouldn't let me open the comments section at a few places.