Saturday, February 18, 2006

The Art of Writing: Who’s your Dada?

Writing is an art, and of the many "schools" I think my writing could be described as "primitive" (a term used by desperate art dealers and critics to jusify the efforts of grown-ups who still paint like children).

The work of 'writer-artists' such as reporters should fall under the category of "realists" though "impressionist" seems to be closer to the mark these days.

The writings of professional pundits however seems to have developed an entirely new category; the "modern- impressionist-primitive-surrealist" school.
It combines the vapidity of modernism, the myopia of impressionism, the immaturity of the primitive, and the psychotic imagery of surrealism.

I’m sure you are asking yourself, "how can I get my hands on the works of a modern-impressionist-primitive-surrealist to add to my collection, impress my friends and mystify my enemies"?

Well, you won’t find any examples in the $59 Famous Artists Sale this weekend only at the Holiday Inn, exit 23 off the New Jersey Turnpike; BUT you can find what you seek by simply going to the Internets (available on the World Wide Web!)

And how will you know that you are looking at a genuine modern-impressionist-primitive-surrealist piece of work?

Well, if it looks like shit thrown at a wall with a shiny frame around it, it’s genuine!

Of course some of these artists are already well known and command higher prices and each has a distinctive style—Malkin’s works speaks of self-loathing, O’Reilly projects bluster, Coulter always paints with a broad aggressive brush whilst Podhoretz works from the gut, but serious collectors should pay close attention to up-and-comer Neil Cavuto whose latest work (in his so-far underrated "Common Sense" series) lights up the scene like a burning brown paper bag left anonymously on the front porch!

Get a load of "Neil Cavuto’s Common Sense":

"I don't know if you've noticed, but energy prices have been coming down — actually, way down.
Oil, 70 bucks a barrel a couple of months ago, is well under 60 bucks today and likely going lower — mainly because temperatures have been going higher and there's less need for the stuff.
So that's bad news for the folks who churn out the stuff, like oil companies.
They were price gougers yesterday, afterthoughts today.
They made tons of money yesterday, not nearly as much today.
So I'm thinking to myself, what if this continues? What if oil drops like a stone and the oil companies start losing money?
What if it's another early '80s thing and they start shutting down operations and laying off people?
Will anyone notice? Will anyone care?
I suppose not, because oil companies potentially getting gouged is never a story. Us getting gouged — now that's a story!
It is easy to make the oil companies villains, when they're making dough. It hardly seems to rate when they are not.
The oil companies need no lobby. Sometimes I just wonder if they need something else: a fair shake.

A piece of work such as this could keep a scholar occupied for years trying to explain its inspiration and its meaning!

But for the average collector it can be easily downloaded and proudly displayed for all to see.
And just imagine, when your friends come over to your trailer for a soiree featuring Hamburger-Helper S’Mores and Wild Rose and ask, "what’s this piece of shit on your wall?", you can confidently reply with a nonchalant air; ."oh, that?’s just a Cavuto."


Kevron said...

You want to join NAMBLA?

173 Haight St.
San Francisco, CA 94102-5739

KEvron said...

he does get around, no?

i left you a more detailed response on my blog, 5e. sorry the troll has decided to dump turds on your blog, too. he aims like cheney.


5th Estate said...

Do I want to join NAMBLA, Kevron? No.

Carl said...

I've always admired Cavuto's use of....unusual particular, his masterpiece "Greenspan in Mauve" a stunning (and I mean that in a "mugger-beating-you-in-the-back-of-the-head" way) piece on how the Fed managed to "assist" the Bush taxcuts, just when they looked like they'd fail.

Oh wait. He was arguing that Greenspan was being uncooperative. My error in interpretation.

Anonymous said...

Carl...I'm no Cavuto scholar..I happen on his "Common Sense" column when searching for a muse, he's not a target of mine. But of all the columns I've seen of his thus far this one is spectularly moronic and as diametrically opposed to "common sense" as one can get.

Better to say nothing and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.

Not "anon" but 5thestate being lazy about logging in.

Carl said...

By the way, comments on the Rumsfeld post are not up yet, so let me post this here:

That headgear....wasn't that what Mary Matalin wore on Meet The Press on Sunday?

5th Estate said...

I think she was sporting the latest version of it--side effects like wierd hair and facial immobility are still being worked out (consult your doctor)but importantly essential cognitave-dissonance skills remain not only unimpaired but are often enhanced.

Red Tory said...

I think Cavuto writes his pieces while taking a crap in the Fox News washroom ten minutes before the show. They’re a lot like the “observational comedy” that was popular a decade ago (“Hey, did you ever notice that…”) only in Cavuto’s case, they’re not terribly observant, nor are they funny. The other day he was predicting doom and gloom for the multi-million dollar lottery winners and predicting they’d blow most of their money on fancy toys, expensive houses, cloying relatives and friends and would wind up insolvent. Then he concluded the piece by saying “That’s one story I wouldn’t want to report.” But Neil… you just did, well, at least in your imagination.

5th Estate said...

Red Tory said: "I think Cavuto writes his pieces while taking a crap in the Fox News washroom ten minutes before the show".

All the evidence points to your analysis---speaking of which I saw his bit on the Powerball winners, the message of which was of course that working class people ( who might also be Unionist/Democrats as opposed to non-union but throughtly heterosexual cowboy/farmers) simply can't handle money--completely ignoring the fact that the winners had spent the last few days getting financial advice and being smart enough to get the money NOW, because crhist knows what's going to happen in the near future.

Oh, and Cavuto has a fat head. I feel so much better saying that.