Sunday, October 01, 2006

Mark Foley--Guest Blog

Mark Foley reaching out or reaching-around with some apparently deserving but possibly impressionable young lads. Photo credit to whoever took the photo.

The following text is SATIRE--in case some idiot tries to reference it as anything other than that.

Hey, it's Mark! R ur parents home? Wot U wearing right now? Is it just me or is it HOT in here? !! OH! It must be YOU!

Who was it who said that politics is like a “greased pole”? I think it was the same guy who said that “politics makes for strange bedfellows”. Anyway, never in my wettest dreams did I imagine that things would come to a head like this!

As you probably know, I was minding my own business when suddenly I found myself with this huge mess on my hands and now I’m being smeared, with headlines like “Foley’s Electile Dysfunction” and “Page Me!”—teenage boys can be so cruel!

With my personal internet privileges revoked I thought there was nothing I could do to set things straight. Shunned, I sought refuge in the gym but five minutes of sweaty pumping and I was spent. I didn’t feel like a man anymore, I felt like a little boy. But then I heard someone say “hey, I know you! I met you cruising in Florida!” and before I knew it he’d put his blog in my hands.

I may be on my knees right now but thanks to 5th Estate’s helping hand I again have the tool I need to touch my constituents and grab their attention once more. I’ve been thoroughly tea-bagged by everyone (except Jeff Gannon) in the so-called media (just like the Clintons have been by Fox). But thanks to this “blog-o-tunity” all I can say to the media-whores and presstitues is--Look out bitches!!!!
And to everyone who still believes in me (clap as hard as you can, it really does help!) allow me to describe my position in the most explicit terms—I think I owe you that favor (you can pay me back later--flowers, chocolate, votes, a pair of strappy Jimmy Choo’s—let’s decide over a tossed salad, around noon-ish?)

As I’m sure you all know I was raised a Catholic. I’m not sure if the preservation of feminine virginity and taking an interest in the development of boys came to me naturally or whether it was beaten into me, but either way I developed a fascination for morality which led me naturally to the “big tent” of the Republican Party.
Unlike some politicians who talk about being “bi-partisan” but never do anything about it, I never forgot my youthful experiences. As a grown man I wanted to share those semenal (sic) experiences with a new generation of confused youth. And for that sincere desire I am now already convicted by the press who, like Madame Le Farge in some incomprehensible History Channel costume drama, want nothing more than to see me well-hung!

Well! As sure as bears shit in the Bushes I will NOT take this abuse lying down! I am not going to swallow the slimy ejaculations of my critics! No Sir! Instead it is I who will give them a mouthful!

Though I’ve been forced to relinquish my seat to some sordid back-room deal for the time being, rest assured I’ll be back and on top once again! So watch out America, I’ll be coming from behind! And then you’ll all be sorry!

Signing off for now as your GOP congressional mispresentative from Florida;

Mark "I'm NOT gay!" Foley.


Peacechick Mary said...

He could add that he sure had those other Repubs in the kid ring fooled. They just nodded and winked and sent him on his way to play with the pages. The man is sick and they knew it and failed to do the right thing. Great spookin values!

Good satire, 5th.

sumo said...

Thanks for that! I'm still laughing... what an imagination for the situation at 'hand' was a hard story to swallow at first...but I learned eventually not to gag on the details...he he. I laughed my head off on the day the news broke...clapping hands!

5th Estate said...

wow...thanks mary and sumo!
I barely posted and then you two commented! I've been out of sorts of late--sometimes I get so serious and then self important and then that kills my "funny-bone" because so many others maintain their wit much better than I ( I;m taking to you two!) so sometimes I write nothing for ages. Consistency in posting and consistency in style matter in the blogworld and I'm so flatterd you both dropped by--like visiting a sickly 2nd cousin I guess, but at least you both got some metaphorical cake it seems.

Seriously though it's the self-defeating denial of personal and public reality that makes Foley's situation so sadm and so reprehensible too. I'm making fun at his expense, but he's making POLICY at EVERYONE's expense and that's a major distinction. I have some sympathy for him as non-conformist I guess, but though he couldn;t choose his sexual urges, he chose to side with those who would legislate sexuality ( and other social issues besides) and took the money of straights, gay's, bi's and everyone.

Personally. homosexuality (guys or women)interests me not one bit and I've learned that all politicians lie and I know we all make mistakes and exercise bad judgement, but Foley made a career out of lying to himself and the public and was paid out of public money for doing so! It's not the sexual urges I give a damn about, it's his duplicity that affects social policy and public expense and millions of lives over years that pisses me off!

betmo said...

hee hee! thanks for a wee giggle. i wouldn't give a damn about his sex life- gay or straight if it was with consenting adults and not underage minors. that is where he crossed the line and that is why his judgment most definitely should be questioned. he should be prosecuted and placed on the pedophile list in the database. he should have to register like anyone else if convicted. no quarter.

Truth-Pain said...

Damn 5th,... never a dull moment with you is there... I was going drop a few of lobs of my own idiocy (just to be consistent), but then I remembered where I was,... and simply smiled!
Nice work man!

Carl said...

This had me bent over with laughter. I had to reach around for a tissue (Tissue! I hardly know you!) to wipe my eyes of the dripping fluids from my eyeballs.