Saturday, May 27, 2006

Really Wrong "Rockin' Right"

Let’s face it, people these days are defined by what rockin’ songs they have on their I-pods.
But what can you do as a conservative to be 21st-Century cool whilst still maintaining your core 18th Century conservative principles?

Doesn’t it seem like most of the coolest bands are a bunch of degenerate tree hugging America-haters ? How on earth will you ever be able to accumulate
50 rockin’ songs that won’t eventually turn you into a tax and spend fag?

Well look no further, ‘cos your prayers have been answered!

John J. Miller of National Online Review has compiled a list of 50 of the rockin’est songs for the Right.

Not only does John let you exercise your freedom of choice by telling you what to listen to, he also explains why, with lyric excerpts and explanations so you don’t have to learn the whole song, just the important conservative bits! Then you all be conservativin’ wit da kool!

Don’t believe me? Then believe your own ears by looking at these examples from
John J. Miller’s Rockin; the Right—The 50 Greatest Conservative Rock Songs.

1.“Won’t Get Fooled Again,” by The Who.
The conservative movement is full of disillusioned revolutionaries; this could be their theme song, an oath that swears off naïve idealism once and for all.
“There’s nothing in the streets / Looks any different to me / And the slogans are replaced, by-the-bye. . . . Meet the new boss / Same as the old boss.”
The instantly recognizable synthesizer intro, Pete Townshend’s ringing guitar, Keith Moon’s pounding drums, and Roger Daltrey’s wailing vocals make this one of the most explosive rock anthems ever recorded — the best number by a big band, and a classic for conservatives.

And Bush's favorite song too!
Did you know conservatives also supported the Magna Carta and the English Civil War and instituted the American, French, Russian, Chinese and Cuban revolutions? Conservatives are all about radical social and political change!

Here are some of the less conservative bits:

We'll be fighting in the streets/ With our children at our feet/ And the morals that they worship will be gone/ And the men who spurred us on /Sit in judgement of all wrong /They decide and the shotgun sings the song/
The change, it had to come /We knew it all along/ We were liberated from the fold, that's all/ And the world looks just the same /And history ain't changed/ 'Cause the banners, they are flown in the next war

2. “Taxman,” by The Beatles
A George Harrison masterpiece with a famous guitar riff (which was actually played by Paul McCartney):
If you drive a car, I’ll tax the street / If you try to sit, I’ll tax your seat / If you get too cold, I’ll tax the heat / If you take a walk, I’ll tax your feet.” The song closes with a humorous jab at death taxes: “Now my advice for those who die / Declare the pennies on your eyes.”

Tax Man was written when the wealthiest in the UK were taxed at a staggering rate of 90% and at a relatively low threshold (that included the Beatles of course) by the Labour government. It’s about a stupid tax policy....stupid!

3. “Sympathy for the Devil,” by The Rolling Stones. ;
Don’t be misled by the title; this song is The Screwtape Letters of rock.
The devil is a tempter who leans hard on moral relativism — he will try to make you think that “every cop is a criminal / And all the sinners saints.” What’s more, he is the sinister inspiration for the cruelties of Bolshevism: “I stuck around St. Petersburg / When I saw it was a time for a change / Killed the czar and his ministers / Anastasia screamed in vain.”

No…..actually it’s about how not making tax cuts permanent increases abortions and aids the enemy in his War on Christmas.

4. “Sweet Home Alabama,” by Lynyrd Skynyrd. ; A tribute to the region of America that liberals love to loathe, taking a shot at Neil Young’s Canadian arrogance along the way:
A Southern man don’t need him around anyhow.”

Now this is a song that conservatives can rally around! Lynyrd Skynrd matches Neil Young’s nasal whine in their vocals and defends Alabama’s proud heritage of slavery and xenophobia and trumpeting the solid moral virtues of state-wide poverty

5. “Wouldn’t It Be Nice,” by The Beach Boys.
Pro-abstinence and pro-marriage: “Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true / Baby then there wouldn’t be a single thing we couldn’t do / We could be married / And then we’d be happy.”

Happily married like Rush Limbaugh, Newt Gingrich, and abstinent like Karl Rove.

6. “Gloria,” by U2.
Just because a rock song is about faith doesn’t mean that it’s conservative. But what about a rock song that’s about faith and whose chorus is in Latin? That’s beautifully reactionary: “Gloria / In te domine / Gloria / Exultate.”

Latin makes all the difference! Never mind that Latin is closer to Spanish than it is to the now “official” language of the US. Never mind that the song ain’t exactly “Ave Maria”. The important thing is that it’s reactionary—a fundamental aspect of conservatism!

7. “Revolution,” by The Beatles:
You say you want a revolution / Well you know / We all want to change the world . . . Don’t you know you can count me out?” What’s more, Communism isn’t even cool: “If you go carrying pictures of Chairman Mao / You ain’t going to make it with anyone anyhow.” (Someone tell the Che Guevara crowd.)

And pay no attention to:

You tell me that it's evolution/Well, you know/We all want to change the world/But when you talk about destruction/Don't you know that you can count me out
You say you'll change the constitution/Well, you know/We all want to change your head/

You tell me it's the institution/Well, you know/You better free you mind instead

Hey John, why don’t you go to Cuba and tell the Che Guevara crowd. Oh wait, you aren’t allowed to, And they are all dead anyway.

8. “Bodies,” by The Sex Pistols. Violent and vulgar, but also a searing anti-abortion anthem by the quintessential punk band: “It’s not an animal / It’s an abortion.”

Don’t forget to ignore the very first lines

She was a girl from birmingham/ She just had an abortion/ She was a case of insanity/ Her name was pauline she lived in a tree/ She was a no one who killed her baby

And don’t listen to this bit either:

Dragged on a table in a factory/illegitimate place to be/ in a packet in a lavatory/die little baby screaming

It’s about unwanted pregnancy and do-it-yourself abortions, you douchebag!

9. “Don’t Tread on Me,” by Metallica.
A head-banging tribute to the doctrine of peace through strength, written in response to the first Gulf War: “So be it / Threaten no more / To secure peace is to prepare for war.”

Almost right. Close enough for supporters of this Government anyway. Never mind that it wasn’t the US that was trodden on.

10. “20th Century Man,” by The Kinks. ;
You keep all your smart modern writers / Give me William Shakespeare / You keep all your smart modern painters / I’ll take Rembrandt, Titian, da Vinci, and Gainsborough. . . . I was born in a welfare state / Ruled by bureaucracy / Controlled by civil servants / And people dressed in grey / Got no privacy got no liberty / ’Cause the 20th-century people / Took it all away from me.”

Got no privacy, got no liberty, yup that does sound conservative.

You don’t need to know about this bit:

"This is the age of machinery/A mechanical nightmare/The wonderful world of technology/Napalm hydrogen bombs biological warfare,"

We all know it’s liberals who control the military industrial complex

11. “The Trees,” by Rush. ;
Before there was Rush Limbaugh, there was Rush, a Canadian band whose lyrics are often libertarian. What happens in a forest when equal rights become equal outcomes? “The trees are all kept equal / By hatchet, axe, and saw.”

You have to read the whole song to really appreciate it, and by that I mean poke rusty forks in your eyeballs.

13. “My City Was Gone,” by The Pretenders. ;
Virtually every conservative knows the bass line, which supplies the theme music for Limbaugh’s radio show. But the lyrics also display a Jane Jacobs sensibility against central planning and a conservative’s dissatisfaction with rapid change:
“I went back to Ohio / But my pretty countryside / Had been paved down the middle / By a government that had no pride.”

Just listen the other way when this bit comes up, it doesn’t concern you:

"The farms of ohio/had been replaced by shopping malls/and muzak filled the air/from seneca to cuyahoga falls"

Ah yes, it’s those sneaky liberals again crushing the unsubsidized farms and filling stores with Muzak, like liberal old Walmart.

18. “Cult of Personality,” by Living Colour. ;
A hard-rocking critique of state power, whacking Mussolini, Stalin, and even JFK: “I exploit you, still you love me / I tell you one and one makes three / I’m the cult of personality.”

But not Ronald Reagan or George Bush, or sexy Don Rumsfeld or Pat Robertson

28. “Janie’s Got a Gun,” by Aerosmith.
How the right to bear arms can protect women from sexual predators:

No, I think it’s more like how gun-owning dads should'nt molest their daughters if they don’t want their brains redecorating the house.

29. “Rime of the Ancient Mariner,” by Iron Maiden. ;
A heavy-metal classic inspired by a literary classic. How many other rock songs quote directly from Samuel Taylor Coleridge?

It’s about time we another rockin’ Right song inspired by opium addiction: How about , “I’ve Got This Damn Bird Around My Neck” by Lame Duck ?

34. “Godzilla,” by Blue öyster Cult. ;
A 1977 classic about a big green monster — and more: “History shows again and again / How nature points up the folly of men.”

And we all know how Godzilla was created out of the misguided interference of atomic scientists and liberal environmentalists and not God.

37. “The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down,” by The Band. ;
Despite its sins, the American South always has been about more than racism

Yes, the American south is also known for brain-damaging booze AND racing around ovals for hours on end.

So there you have it kids, just a few of the awesomest, pro-life, Christian, pro-marriage, pro business pro-war, pro GOP songs ever recorded!


betmo said...

and here i thought that they all thought that they were cool because they listened to christian rock. i learn something new every day. thanks :)

DoctorBoogaloo said...

They hear what they want to hear, the same way they pick and choose Bible verses to arms themselves against minorities, women's rights and all the rest. Metaphor is lost on these people. I think it must be the inbreeding.

'Tis enough to make Beethoven roll over yet again.

KEvron said...

and yet miller has the nerve to trot out that tired conservative slogan:

"In other words: Shut up and sing."

unless, of course, you happen to be singing some ultra-conservative ditty. then, by all means, do continue.

the double standard: the only standard by which they live....


KEvron said...

you know, i think what we need now is good, old-fashioned american record burning....


Carl said...

18. “Cult of Personality,” by Living Colour. ;
A hard-rocking critique of state power, whacking Mussolini, Stalin, and even JFK: “I exploit you, still you love me / I tell you one and one makes three / I’m the cult of personality.”

But not Ronald Reagan

Whom it was written about...

Truth-Pain said...

Great posting,... I am in the middle of "building" a music and art blog to go with my other political rant-0-rama and this is exactly the type of depth-heavy stuff I hope to gather from visitors.
Carl, as a musician of many years in cover bands I played that song... nice memories :)