Monday, March 27, 2006

No More Mister Nice-God!

Back in the good old days when God thought people weren’t paying attention he’d whip ‘em back into shape with a good old-fashioned smiting, a plague, a wandering in the desert or making 90-year-old women pregnant. Now that’s the way to get a message out!

But if recent events are anything to go by, the strategy no longer works.
Despite Pat Robertson’s astute observation that the destruction of 9-11 was due to God’s anger with liberals and fags, the majority seemed to think it had something to do with Arab terrorists and Iraq.
When God visited Hurricane Katrina upon the Gulf Coast to punish those who defied him by eating crawfish and playing jazz (NOT a joyful sound unto the Lord by a long shot) the lesson learned was not that God was in charge but that one Michael Brown was.

Now it looks like God is going to be kickin’ it, old school! Having jump-started a global conflict, he’s now dialing up the holy thermostat AND turning on the flood taps to boot. Looks like it’s going to be a 24/7 wrath-athon.

But what about the faithful, you ask? Well being faithful they’re all looking forward to the End Times. And whilst they are waiting they get to stare at a
miraculous stain on the I-74 bridge support in Moline, Illinois. As one observer said “Too many things are happening in the world and people are losing their faith and that’s why she’s appearing [The Virgin Mary], she wants people to get their faith back.”

So, if YOU want to be saved from hell on earth just find yourself a stain, stare at it and after a while you won’t notice a thing.


Carl said...

Maybe God's an OG and put his tag up on that underpass? You know, kickin' ol' skool and all 'at, unnerstand I'm sa'in'?

Fantod said...

"Even if you don`t believe it depicts the Virgin Mary, the image has united viewers and given them a gift."

I'm sensing a new reality TV series in the works!

From News of the Weird:

The Continuing Jesus and Mary World Tour: "Sightings" have been made in just the last three months in North Vernon, Ind. (Jesus on a wooden door), Jacksonville, Fla. (Jesus on a nacho-warming tray), Cozimel, Mexico (Jesus on a flower pot), Laredo, Texas (Jesus on a truck's tailgate), Mexico, Maine (Mary on the charred wood of a burned-out home), Beachwood, Ohio (Jesus on a pancake), Manchester, Conn. (Jesus on a piece of sheet metal), Dallas (Mary on the bark of a tree), and airborne from New York City to Florida (Mary on a potato chip served by Jet Blue). [WKMG-TV (Orlando), 1-31-06] [WCAU-TV (Philadelphia), 12-22-05] [Reuters, 11-20-05] [WNCN-TV (Raleigh, N.C.), 11-22-05] [WKMG-TV (Orlando), 1-19-06] [WEWS-TV (Cleveland), 2-9-06] [USA Today, 2-26-06] [Dallas Morning News, 3-1-06] [Tampa Tribune-Knight Ridder, 2-15-06]

Fantod said...

As a little p.s. I have to add that I went to brunch last Sunday at a quaint little place in the neighborhood and the Jesus on a Pancake was just divine!

This all reminds me of a Penn & Teller trick.

Snerd Gronk said...

Well I haven't come 'a cross' and Jesus pancakes or that, but if you do, I feel compelled to caution against the advice of the original article, about starin' at the image too long ... It can induce eye stain, I am told.


5th Estate said...

That's a great link Fantod! "The "Spirit of Texoma"!

"the image has united viewers and given them a gift"???!!!!

These nitwits are already united in their church, their faith ( and their nitwittery).
What drives me nuts is that those with "faith" seem to need constant reassurance ( perhaps sensible given god's well-known temper)and that all these "visions" serve never seem to inspire anyone to do anything except stare at them. And I wonder, would it be blasphemy to eat a "Jesus chip" or would it be like the eucharist? Inquiring minds want to know!

Elderta said...

Hey Brit, how's it going? I moved!