Friday, January 12, 2007

New Way Forward! Now with more ZAZ!

So George Bush stayed up past his bed-time to tell us all how re-invading Iraq will protect America even more from pissed-off Arabs.

Why, you may ask, do we need a new strategy? After all, since we invaded no Iraqi terrorists have flown airplanes into our buildings! Doesn’t that fact prove the President’s pre-election statement that we were winning in Iraq?
Of course it does; or rather it did.

But the President also said that part of his winning strategy was to listen to his generals and adapt to the situation on the ground, and the situation has changed!
Just as the President and Vice President warned us all, if the Democrats gained the House in November it would embolden the terrorists.
Sure enough as soon as the elections were over and the Democrats won, America lost. The generals began to speak out about increased violence and Negroponte stated explicitly before Congress that the US was no longer winning in Iraq.

Could this have been coincidence? Of course not—George Bush had exactly predicted it! So when the Democrats started to call for a withdrawal of troops, our President had to come up with a new plan for not just victory, but more victory!

A new plan for victory would have to be in diametric (that means opposite) opposition (that means opposite as well-- so really it’s double-opposite which doesn’t mean the opposite of opposite which would mean….well…double-opposite means more opposite, okay?) to anything the Democrats were proposing.
So as the Democrats were calling for un-winning the war by un-invading Iraq it’s obvious to even the most colossally stupid idiot in the world that to defeat the Democrats and their terrorist supporters George Bush would have to re-invade Iraq—and that’s what he’s decided to do.

But, you ask, how is re-invading Iraq really any different from the original invasion except that we’ll be doing it with even less troops?

Well to take a cue from Karl Rove’s famous marketing analogy that “you don’t introduce new products in August” you also don’t advertise to the consumer all the benefits of your product all at once.
Either the product is ‘New and Improved!’ or “Now with power of Formula X that kills 99% of all suspected terrorists!” or “10% MORE!”

In this case “New and Improved Victory” has “10% LESS!” and then you wait until sales start dropping before announcing “Now with power of Formula-X that kills 99% of all suspected terrorists!”
And if that doesn’t keep your sales going, you can always repackage the old product with a new name, like perhaps ‘Iran-B-Gone!’ It Smells like Victory but with Twice the Killing Power!


captain crazypants' mom said...

if i order within the next 30 minutes, do i get twice the destruction, degradation and death and a set of steak knives?

sumo said...

LOL! So true...and yet funny in a good way...but sad in a bad way.

Snerd Gronk said...

Great rant ... err ... logical disjunction of disconnected disjunctions, I mean, Brit.


Targa said...

Or, if the product doesn't move off the shelves as expected.... that's right... in the bargain bin with a hole punched in the left corner to symbolize for ALL to see that you bought an item that couldn't sell when it was "fresh".
And that's what the policy will..errr.. HAS become, stale/repackaged/bargain bin product.

The day after the elections in November, I was sitting in a bar nursing a beer, when a buddy showed up and asked what I was drinking. I said, "Mich ultra". He asked, "How's that taste?"
I looked at him and without skipping a beat, I said, "Tastes like victory". He had a quizzical look on his face for a few seconds, then he started laughing and repeated the phrase. BTW, he's a conservative. Anyway, he manged to let everyone else there that evening that my beer tasted like victory.
I guess you had to be there......

Carl said...

Throwing good lives after bad, one might be tempted to call it.

Look, Bush couldn't sell an oil well in Texas without Saudi help...maybe he needs to dress up in a robe, obi, and kaffiya and call himself "Desert George, King of Bad Deals."