Back in the day when God created America as His Kingdom on Earth, everything a child needed to know about the world and his place in it was taught to him by a devout man equipped only with the Bible, a leather belt and if necessary a dark, splintery closet.
But in the early 20th Century hordes of godless communist euro-trash invaded Americas purple majesty, solicited by a giant French whore loitering around the docks of New York City (the east-coast’s San Francisco). These immigrants brought with them social diseases like diversity and satanic tools of science that have ultimately resulted in all the temptations of the intertubes, of which the most abominable in the sight of our Lord is Wikipedia—make that WickedPedia!.
Every True Christian knows about “The Tower of Babel” wherein a bunch of Arabs cooperated to challenge God but were righteously thwarted when God cursed them with languages other than English, thus preventing the tower from being built.
And what is Wickedpedia but another cooperative that denies God as the source of all things by making up their own self-regulating ‘laws’?
Worse than that, and not content with killing Christian babies, liberal fascists are actively recruiting children, through Wickedpedia’s demonic texts, to create a new world order based on unholy ‘facts’ and satanic peer-review.
Now if these were the good old days, God could just do what he did to the Babel builders, but Satan’s minions have developed language translation software so the old method of restoring God-given chaos to show who’s really in charge just won’t work. Besides as the Bible clearly shows and the last 2000 years of history prove. God did all the heavy-lifting in The Beginning (Genesis) and ever since it’s been up to His sheep to finish His work (which explains a lot really, when you think about it).
So with the clear guidance of the Bible, Christian conservatives have embarked on a crusade to reclaim God’s Truth by turning the Devil’s tools against him in creating God’s own holy Wiki-site—the Conservapedia!
Not only is Conservapedia a tool that tells you what to think, it also has a feature that lets you study what it tells you to think, called StudyConservepedia!
Here’s what an anonymous group of anonymous Christian children wrote to explain it all to you:
“Have you ever dreamed of the ultimate tool for studying history? Have you ever wished for a way to learn that is more fun? Well, here at Conservapedia, we have found it!”
(Actually I thought the Bible was the ultimate tool for studying history, but as our personal Saviour said; “judge not lest ye be judged” so I guess I better keep my pie-hole shut).
“The method of learning that StudyConservapedia utilizes was developed by the teacher and home schooled students of the world history class in northern New Jersey that put together this website. Students studied for half the year using this system. When the mid-term exam finally came the students who had put in extra effort with this system got among the highest scores in the class!”
(See, if you study extra-hard for half a year some of you will get better than average home-school scores! )
Anyway, with the StudyConservapedia system now fully explained why don’t we just dive in to the fantastic world of Conservative knowledge that is Conservapedia and see if we can’t find all kinds of things we can agree upon, for fear of otherwise going to Hell!
(I’ve appended some helpful notes--in brackets like this-- to the selected Conservapedia entries for those unfamiliar with actually comprehending God–approved texts on their own. And by the way, though I've added emphses here and there, all the excerpts below exactly as I found them on Conservapedia this weekend--I am not kidding.)
Ah, here’s something that’s been worrying Christians since dinosaurs ruled the Earth—Dinosaurs! Eeek!
(I’m kidding of course about “ruling the Earth”; they never did that! God ruled the earth and Adam had dominion over plants and animals—though not over his own sinful loins, apparently, but Eve did lead him-on, so Adam’s excused…anywhoo, let’s not dwell on that shall we? Let’s get back to the subject at hand…
Dinosaur: They [Scientists] claim the fossil evidence supports their beliefs. However, there are a number of lines of evidence that point to dinosaurs and man coexisting. For example, trained scientists have reported seeing a live dinosaur...
(Christian fact: Untrained scientists never see live dinosaurs!)
...Of those Christians who reject evolution, the Young Earth Creationists believe, based primarily on Biblical sources, but also drawing on archeological and fossil evidence, that dinosaurs were created on the 6th day of the Creation Week...
(Note the warning! Of those Christians who reject evolution—implying that there are some Christians who accept evolution! The author probably means Unitarians but Conservapedia contributors prefer not to resort to name-calling.)
Take, for instance, the entirely God-created Plesiosaur
Plesiosaurs:-- According to creation scientists, who use the Bible, plesiosaurs were created on the fifth day of the Creation Week
(You won’t find Plesiosaurs in the Bible because that’s not what God called them back then. In fact he made so many of them he didn’t have time to name them—that was Adam’s job and he forgot, thanks to that slut Eve.
Oh, and ignore the apparent discrepancy about whether dinosaurs were created on the 5th or 6th day of creation—that’s untrained scientist thinking! Besides, a Plesiosaur may be a Dinosaur, but a Dinosaur is clearly not a Plesiosaur! God said so, and you can’t argue with Him!)
But that’s enough about things that definitely happened 6000 years ago, what about history not important enough to be in the Bible but that we are forced to know by those secular elitist liberal professors Bill O’Reilly and John Podhoretz are always on about? Well that stuff is covered too, just enough to fool the liberals into thinking they are winning!
History:-- 3500 B.C. began with copper tools, then 2500 B.C. superior bronze tools, then 1200 B.C. superior iron tools. (Entire article)
(And that’s all you need to know, because that’s the entire Conservapedia article, and if it’s good enough for God, then it’s good enough for me!)
Of course there’s more to Conservapedia than just important information about how the Bible confirms everything trained scientists already know.
There are all sorts of other subjects that Conservapedia explains in ways that other encyclopedias simply fail to match, that are fun and easy to learn! Examples?
The Atlantic Charter:-- The Atlantic Charter was a declaration for free trade and self-determination. U.S. President Franklin Roosevelt and British Minister Winston Churchill met in the Atlantic Ocean on August 1941 in order to begin to plan for peace after the conclusion of World War II. (Entire article)
Beowulf:--Beowulf the Dane is a character in Beowulf who shares a name with the hero of the poem. (Entire article)
(The hero with whom Beowulf shares his name, which would be Beowulf of course, isn’t important because the main character is Beowulf, not Beowulf. Okay? Okay! Moving on…)
What about modern mythological characters…like Tony Blair?
Tony Blair:--Tony Blair is the British Prime Minister. He belongs to a socialist party. (Entire article)
What else is there to say, really? But if you must learn about the evils of socialism rather than just accepting that socialism is evil, click on the “socialist” link and you will learn this:
Socialism: Socialist parties are extremely common in Europe, even Tony Blair belongs to a socialist party. (Entire article)
If you then click on the Tony Blair link, it will take you back to…Tony Blair, who belongs to a socialist party and must therefore be evil (unlike not-Prime Minister Winston Churchill who spent an entire August treading water in the middle of the Atlantic with ‘FR’ as they planned the aftermath of a war the US wasn’t fighting—see The Atlantic Charter above).
Speaking of godless political trends like socialism, what does Conservapedia have to say about something no one has ever heard-of, like Realpolitik?
Realpolitik: Realpolitik is politics based on reality, which was an approach popularized by Otto von Bismarck in putting together the German nation in the years leading up to 1871. (Entire article)
(Why should you care about this apparently pointless subject? Well consider this: Whilst it took Bismarck from 3500 BC (the years leading up to 1871, when non-Biblical history started—see above) to 1871 to make reality-based politics popular, it took the anointed George Bush only six Republican years to de-popularize reality-based politics, just as God took six Creation Days to make the world! Coincidence? I think not!)
Which brings us to the measurement of historical time…
Centuries:--In the Roman army, small groups of eighty to one hundred men. (Entire article).
(Although there’s no link to Roman in this article, Romans are famous for two things; being terrible with numbers but making trains run on-time (see above) and crumbling architecture. But in their favor they are against contraception and s-e-x, which leads us unnaturally to… )
HPV: ....alternative means of protection against this cancer include the inexpensive pap-smear and abstinence
(See? An abortion will give you cancer, BUT a pap-smear is as foolproof as abstinence--all you have to do is throw away the pap and you're cured of HPV! You'll still be a slut, though.)
But speaking of smears, here’s a thoroughly researched article about Big Oil you can use against anti-business big-government lefty environmentofascists that will make their heads explode!
Big Oil:--Despite criticism from socialist liberals who wish to abolish the use of gasoline, Big Oil has an exceptional environmental track record, often repairing mistakes quickly before they can become disasters. Big Oil has also proven valuable in funding independant scientists who are able to dispute the propaganda behind Global warming without worrying about losing their government or academic funding due to liberal reprisals. Though, it appears now even Big Oil is aknowledging the reality of man's effect on climate 
(Praise be! Now that could have been written by Neil Cavuto himself!)
And best of all whilst you are learning how to be a better Christian from Conservapedia, you can make other people better Christians too, by submitting an article yourself!
Get your entire home-school involved and then all three of you can copy things from approved sources like Karl Rove or Pat Robertson’s speeches or John Gibson’s “My Word” column or even borrow some of Ann Coulter’s hilarious jokes (liberals claim conservatives aren’t funny, so proving them wrong will be loads of fun) to create your very own article with real words and phrases that conservative organizations use all the time and will happily send you, already written!
But don’t forget, Conservapedia isn’t just for learning, it’s also for attacking and crushing the liberal terrorist baby-killing propagandist Islaminazis who are trying to destroy America by using Wickedpedia to establish a gay communist Mexican science-worshiping new world order through it’s anti Christian-conservative “facts” .
As God said; “An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth” (Matthew 5.38).
By selecting our own Christian facts from the Bible--because when the Bible was written scientists weren’t even alive so how can they disprove anything?—and by using the 21st Century technology of we will be able to redefine reality not as liberals want it to be, but as God intended it to be. before the evil inventions of science and facts and gay’s, when all the world was flat and Christian and children played with real live dinosaurs—just like the Bible says.