Wednesday, July 26, 2006

CONDIPLOMACY


US Secretary of State Condoleezaa Rice holding her ubiquitous imaginary tuna casserole, the key component of her global diplomatic style. After all. who doesn't pretend to like imaginary tuna casserole?

NOTE: Princess Sparkle Pony would argue that Condi is actually fondling her invisible friend and she's probably right as she has a Ms.sters in Condilology as well as having written several treatmeants on Cranial Follicularity. Her link is on my page.



CONDOLEEZZA RICE (US Secretary of State): Hello-o-o…? Hi-ee! It’s me, Condi…anyone home?

FOUAD SINIORA (PM of Lebanon): Wha--? Condi! Qu’elle surprise! Who could have possibly predicted you’d fly over here?

CONDI: No-one, obviously. It’s not like people get PDB’s about that sort of thing.
Anyway, I’d been meaning to come over for ages, but you know how things get some times…so I brought you some tuna casserole….

SINIORA: Well you have your hands in front of you and a few inches apart as though you were holding a casserole dish, but I don’t see anything…

CONDI: Why is it that everywhere I go no one can possibly imagine I’m holding a tuna casserole?

SINIORA: Okay…ummm…well…in that case have some hummus.

CONDI: Hamas?

SINIORA: Never mind. If I’d known you were coming I’d have tidied-up a bit, the house is a mess…

CONDI: Oh no, not on my account. You have a lovely hole…home…. It’s very ….rustic, yet ..post-modern. Did you have it done professionally…?

SINIORA: Funny you should ask. All I know is that I came back from work and bingo, everything was re-arranged! I think it was one of those extreme makeover things…my wife probably arranged it as a surprise.

CONDI: And where is she?

SINIORA: No idea; probably buried in a department store somewhere, you know how she loves to shop…anyway, whatever are you doing here?

CONDI: I know how I love to shop…ha-ha

SINIORA: Ha-ha

CONDI: Anywhoo… I admit this isn’t an entirely social visit…the fact is that there are things going on in the neighborhood that I’m a bit concerned about…

SINIORA: Such as…?

CONDI: Well it seems your boys have been firing rockets into the neighbor’s yard.

SINIORA: Ah yes. boys will be boys you know…what’s the name of yours? George? I’ve heard he can be a bit of a handful too.

CONDI: Well…the Ritalin seems to be helping lately--but never mind that!
The point is that I’m really good friends with your neighbors; and it puts me in a very difficult position and I’m just asking you as a good acquaintance to stop sending rockets over the fence…

SINIORA: Well you know Condi, the boys have always been headstrong and I’m afraid they really don’t listen to me anymore… just like your George.

CONDI: George has nothing to do with it. The point is that your boys have been firing rockets over the fence ever since they kidnapped the neighbors’ boys, which was not a very nice thing to do…

SINIORA: I agree, but the trouble is the Hezbollah boys have some influence and support in our political system, rather like your Christian right—a lot of them say Islam is a violent cult and call for the destruction of its followers, the Hezbollah militants have pretty much the same view regarding Jews and Christians.

CONDI: But the Christian Right doesn’t murder civilians!

SINIORA: Not as directly as Hezbollah I grant you (ignoring the occasional queer-killing and doctor shooting), but it wasn’t the Christian Left who championed the invasion of Iraq which has resulted in, how many dead civilians…?

CONDI: That’s not a fair comparison

SINIORA: Maybe so, but there’s very little that seems fair these days.

CONDI: Well that brings me to my point. You have to stop Hezbollah sending missiles over the fence. And return the lads that were kidnapped. Then your neighbors will stop dropping bombs and then we can all sit down and have mint juleps and tuna casserole and sort things out in a civilized fashion.

SINIORA: Now why didn’t I think of that? Of course! It’s so crazy that it just might work! Except….

CONDI: Except what?

SINIORA: Except that I don’t know where the kidnapped are, or the kidnappers, and it’s kind of tough to find out because the phone system has been severely damaged as are the roads and if I go out on what’s left of the streets I risk getting shot or blown-up or just crushed to death. For all I know the kidnapped could be dead already, murdered by Hezbollah or killed by the Israeli bombing.

CONDI: Well why don’t you know where the kidnappers are?

SINIORA: I’m sorry? How many people have been abducted and are still missing in the US?

CONDI: The US has a lot more people….

SINIORA: And the US has a lot more resources, and it isn’t being bombed to dust every goddamned day!
Look, if the Israelis really gave a damn about getting back their boys, they wouldn’t be bombing the crap out of everything—they could end up killing their own. Of course they’ll get damn all help from my government as a whole, but this country is more about business than politics—it always has been. Hezbollah is not now helping business, and neither are the Israelis. I can’t do a hell of a lot whilst they keep bombing everything! So far they’ve killed four-hundred civilians and a few dozen Hezbollah and destroyed our economy. The most the Israeli’s have really done is make our tourism industry worse than theirs! Hezbollah will retaliate as long as Israel retaliates. I don’t control Hezbollah.

CONDI: Well you need to get control of them, and make them stop!

SINIORA: I need to survive these bombings first. And who the hell are you to tell me what to do and how to do it? How’re things in Afghanistan and Iraq; still the shining examples of democracy and peace? Why don’t YOU tell Israel to stop!

CONDI: Look, mister ma-in-a-moody, you’ve got to stop Hezbollah, or else! I, Condi Rice, demand it!

SINIORA: Or else what? You’ll provide more bombs to Israel? Oh wait, you are already doing that! You’ll invade Lebanon yourselves? You and what army? You’re supposed to be a scholar of Russian history; did you ever hear of the siege of Stalingrad?

CONDI: I really don’t think you can compare the two; Stalingrad was very cold and Lebanon is very hot. And now I think about it, China is very big.

SINIORA: Look, Condi, Lebanon was just getting on its feet again and we had a shot at democratic self-governance and the new government was a necessary, shaky compromise. Now it’s blown to shit and I’ve got nothing to offer. So go tell Israel to stop the bombing. I’m sure Hezbollah will not honor any ceasefire, but then Israel can target them proportionately as they have done in the past, and give Lebanon a chance to establish a stronger government. We need constructive, not destructive, efforts to establish stability and peace.

CONDI: So get rid of Hezbollah!

SINIORA: Get rid of Al Qaeda! Get rid of terrorism! Get rid of American Idol! Get rid of Iran! Easier said than done, but bombs won’t do it. It takes time and manipulation to achieve success, just like your elections of 2000 and 2004. But the trick then is to do something productive and meaningful for the majority.

CONDI: Oh my goodness, is that the time? I really must be going, I have a thing to go to and George can get so fussy and vulnerable when things don’t go as planned. So, as I was saying, stop attacking Israel and then everything will be just fine! Enjoy the tuna casserole! E-mail me when you get a chance. Byeee!

SINIORA: Huh! Whaddyaknow? All that time and I didn’t hear a single jet or bomb! Maybe I misjudged her, and the Israelis! Ahhh! Peace and quiet! Now perhaps I can—oh crap!

5 comments:

thepoetryman said...

That my friend was amazing! A Net-Theatre! Thank you for the laughs and the irony and the insight. I'd like season tickets please... :>)

sumo said...

Yeah...I second what the poetry man said. I need tickets too...

5th Estate said...

so what you're saying, poetry-man, is when I'm deadly serious, I'm less insightful, ironic and just boring?
You may well be right. Being deadly serious in these dealy serious times is pretty deadly--I often bore myself.
But if I illimunat even some of the miasma that churns in the depths of the chasm of political despair that is fed by a river of tears wrenched from the um...tear ducts...of ...okay, I've totally lost it now.
Maybe I should try to be funny about serious issues, rather than just serious. So far my attempts at humor seem to get the best reactions. I've been wondering about what the hell my blog is for of late anyway.
thanks for yer serpert as politicians like to say. But unlike some I pay attention to polls, even if they are random and have a 99% margin of error. Heck, I might even change the name of this blog--it doesn't make much sense anymore anyway.

Red Tory said...

Very insightful and funny as always. Not sure that I agree with you on this one, but I’ve attempted to make my position clear elsewhere so I won’t fully reiterate it here. I am very much on the side of Israel in this conflict. The Lebanese government is impotent and simply cannot reign in a terrorist organization that lives in its midst, is bent on destruction and uses innocent civilians as human shields.

betmo said...

condi should go back to being george's babysitter. although- she didn't do a very good job at that either. she is ineffectual and arrogant and apparently the state department under her watch is as inept as fema under brown. i really don't see why it should take a week to 10 days to evacuate americans from lebanon when you have planned for a year or more with israel to invade. seriously- a little less tunnel vision may be in order if you are going to take over the world one country at a time.