Soccer Bitch

On Wednesday June 24^th the US Men’s National Soccer Team (US-MNST) beat European Champions Spain in the FIFA Confederations Cup and will now face Brazil in the Final in South Africa on Sunday, June 28th.

“All in all, a great moment for the sport we call “soccer” but the rest of the world refers to as “football” gushes Gary Schmitt.

Who is Gary Schmitt and why are his observations of American 2-0 victory against Spain in the world’s most popular team sport particularly relevant?

Well, although Schmitt is a luminary of the Project for a New American Century (the organization that brought us the Iraq War), and an American Enterprise Institute ‘thinker of tanks’ (mostly of oil tanks but also of Abrams tanks) he’s also quite the aficionado of what the rest of the world calls “The Beautiful Game”, but that he artfully calls "The Not-so beautiful Game”.

After all, as he writes:

“As someone who didn’t play soccer growing up, but had a dad who did and whose own kids played as well, I can say unquestionably that it is the sport in which the team that dominates loses more often than any other major sport I know of. Or, to put it more bluntly, the team that deserves to win doesn’t.”

In other words, having grown up in an environment where everyone except him played and enjoyed soccer, Schmitt’s extensive experience of having actually ‘heard-of’ the game informs his profound opinion that soccer is fundamentally unjust and therefore un-American.

And for this state of affairs to be “okay” with his “soccer-loving friends” who "argue that it’s a healthy, conservative reminder of how justice does not always prevail in life”, Gary Schmitt’s mature and scholarly rejoinder is “Well, hooey on that. And, thankfully, Americans are not buying it”

(Well-done, Americans, for not buying soccer-hooey! Also; well-done for not buying American cars either!)

Though admitting that “one can drive by an open field on Saturdays and usually see it filled with young boys and girls playing soccer,” and though acknowledging that the game has grown in the US, the fact that soccer has failed to garner the same attention and commercial investment as Baseball, Basketball and What-Americans-Call-Football (but that the rest of the world doesn’t call ‘soccer’) is, Schmitt suspects, because “the so-called ‘beautiful game’ is not so beautiful to American sensibilities.”.

In other words, soccer is inherently and irretrievably un-American and real Americans (like himself) aren’t fooled by its supposed egalitarianism and generally democratic appeal, at all.

As Schmitt explains:

“We (--non-sporting, balding, Americans named Scott Schmitt--) like, as good small-“d” democrats, our underdogs for sure but we also still expect folks in the end to get their just desert (sic). And, in sports, that means excellence should prevail. Of course, the fact that is often not the case when it comes to soccer may be precisely the reason the sport is so popular in the countries of Latin America and Europe.”

(Where the former is too-poor and the latter is too-socialist to accommodate illegal drug-fueled sporting excellence).

So for all you down-sized, foreclosed-on, health-care-bankrupted, retirement-savings-depleted, terrorism-targeted Americans out there looking for a little joy in the victory of the underdog US Soccer Team beating the best in the world, get a grip!

International soccer is just another expression of European socialism and Latin-American welfare masquerading as competition! It’s just a cheap knock-off of copyrighted and trademarked ‘American Free-Market Competition’ that falls apart as soon as you buy it!

After all, what’s so great about the US Soccer Team ‘winning’ against a team of socialists in a socialist game played worldwide by poor not-Americans? By buying into this non-American sporting welfare system where the undeserving get to win all the time, the US team players are actually complete losers, contaminated with the cooties of European Socialism and endemic Hispanic poverty!

Real Americans don’t measure their victories and superiority by the rest of the world’s standards! Globally-acknowledged excellence is exclusive to real America, determined solely by Real Americans, in America!

Who wins The World Series? Americans do! And how do they do that? By using American steroids supplied by the world’s best doctors who are part of the world’s most profitable health insurance and pharmaceutical systems, that’s how!

So just remember folks, anyone who celebrates the US Men’s National Soccer Team’s victories is actually un-American and if the US beats Brazil on Sunday and actually wins the Confederations Cup, it will just be a victory for socialism, illegal immigration, abortions, gay marriage, high speed rail, and the anti-Christ Barack Obama.

If the US soccer team succeeds in the global market and the MLS then becomes a real competitor to Real American sports franchises like the WWE and Monster Truck racing, the free-market system will be destroyed and the Islamo-fascists and their socialist sympathizers will have won!

So everybody, on Sunday, pray for America to lose to Brazil, so that the symbolic socialism of soccer can be shown to be uncompetitive and un-American. And if the US wins, ask God to damn the US team and all it’s supporters to hell for secret socialists---to do otherwise would be to deny American exceptionalism.

What could be more American and more Republican than hoping ‘America’ loses whilst a Democrat President sits waiting and hoping to congratulate the National Team for their success? That’s how America’s newly self-appointed soccer-bitch sees it, and in the words of Walter Cronkite, “and that’s, the way it is.”

h/t to Matt Yglesias